


denial

by softforkpop



Series: markhyuck is CUTE [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexuality, Depression, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Lowercase, M/M, Pining, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, im sorry mark i love u so much, this sounds super sad and depressing but i promise it gets cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 11:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15363321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softforkpop/pseuds/softforkpop
Summary: his whole life, it had been drilled into his head that it was wrong for a boy to like boys or a girl to like girls. but mark… he didn’t understand why.NOTE; the tags make this sound super heavy but it's actually not ~that~ bad!!





	denial

**Author's Note:**

> ok this is a pretty damn depressing fic but it has a good ending so !!! my first kpop fic ever so please bear with me!! also i haven't written anything in a long time so this probablys sucks im sorry  
> trigger warnings: homophobia, internalized homophobia, slight mention of self-harm, anxiety attack/panic attack  
> this is just me relating my personal experiences into writing and mark reminds me of myself sometimes so.. :)  
> unbeta-ed so please feel free to comment any mistakes i need to fix  
> also this is way longer than i thought it would be oops
> 
> the story basically starts when he's maybe 14 n then continues on through high school!!  
> the first part is kind of like mark's internalized homophobia & then it gets into a real narrative a bit later on  
> italics are mark's thoughts!!

mark felt sick to his stomach the first time he caught himself staring at donghyuck’s lips just a little too long. in fact, as soon as he got home from school he found himself sitting on the floor of his bedroom berating himself.

 _you can’t just stare at your friend’s lips like that dude, it’s creepy. you’re a guy who’s into girls. get your head on straight._ he told himself as he placed his hands on either side of his head and ran his fingers harshly through his hair, pulling on the ends. _he just had something on his face. yeah. that’s it, that’s why you were staring._

that night, he dreamed of kissing donghyuck’s lips for the first time. (and definitely not the last).

 

and so began the vicious cycle that was the next two years of mark’s life. he was having a neverending internal battle inside of his head on the daily. when donghyuck slid his arms around mark and tried to pull his face down for a chaste kiss on his cheek, mark would harshly, (maybe a little too harshly), push him away with a “dude, what the hell” spitting out of his mouth. whenever donghyuck would reach out and slide his hand into mark’s, he would immediately shake his hand out of his soft grip. if they were watching a movie with their friends and donghyuck leaned his head onto mark’s shoulder he would find an excuse, any excuse to get up and move to another place on the couch.

if he found himself staring at his best friend too long he would begin yelling at himself inside his head, his hands gripping harshly onto his thighs, trying to ground himself through the light bit of pain, leaving harsh red marks beneath his jeans that he would find later in the evening.

and he was so ashamed of that. he was so ashamed that the only feeling strong enough to get his mind off of his possible feelings for donghyuck was pain. he was so ashamed that he couldn’t handle being so close to him, touching him. and the look on donghyuck’s face was what hurt mark the most everytime.

 

it was on a day when donghyuck looked particularly beautiful that mark, for the first time, had the thought clear as day. he was in the bathroom between classes trying to clear his head of donghyuck’s overwhelming presence when, without any prompting, the idea came into his mind.

 _do i like boys?_ immediately, he started violently shaking his head, folding his arms across his chest and pressing his fingernails so deeply into the soft skin of his forearms that they left dark angry marks. _no. that’s impossible. there’s no way. you’re going through puberty, there are a lot of hormones. it’s nothing._

and this is what mark continued to tell himself every time he felt his stomach dance at the sight of donghyuck’s smile. every time he felt the urge to wrap his arms around the other boy’s shoulders and kiss his face a thousand times.

of course, it didn’t help that he had spent his whole growing up being told that there was something wrong with someone if they had any feelings for the same gender. he remembers seeing his neighbors when he was a child, the two men who held hands as they walked from their car to their front door. he never understood why this was wrong in any way. but as soon as he started having feelings resembling these, he was sickened.

he was sickened by his own thoughts, his own desires, his own feelings.

 

it was a bright sunny morning in early january and he was sitting across the table from his mom who had happily made breakfast for the first time in months when he had the worst panic attack he had ever experienced. it was also the morning he realized something very  important.

“honey, did you see what i shared on facebook?” his mom said, scooping a spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth.

“hmm?” mark responded, glancing up from his homework that he had procrastinated on until the day it was due. he wasn’t particularly paying attention to what his mom’s response was until he heard something that made him feel sick to his stomach.

“-and i think it’s all a trend, you know? the whole coming out thing, being gay, transgender, all the other unbelievable sexualities they’ve come up with.” with a glance towards his mom, he saw that she was saying all of these harsh, judgmental words with a straight face, her eyes trained on her tablet in front of her. that’s when he felt his hand start to shake, his pencil making a loose line across his paper.

“ wait, i missed a lot of that, what were you saying?” mark said, trying his best to keep his voice steady and pressing his other hand against his leg under the table.

“i was just saying that i shared an article discussing how there has been a lot of research done in the past years that proves that the whole lgbt thing is slowly becoming more common because it’s, how do i say this? it’s becoming more acceptable so people aren’t thinking about the actual consequences of being in relationships with the same gender. i mean, how are we supposed to shelter our children from seeing gay couples openly showing affection in public? it can cause severe psychological damage, it’s ridiculous.” she continued ranting but mark’s body tuned her out. his ears filled with a fuzzy ringing sound and he felt dizzy.

“hey mom, i gotta finish getting ready for school.” he didn’t wait for her response, just getting up quickly, leaving his breakfast on the table and speed walking down the hall to his room.

as soon as his door closed behind him his breathing became erratic, his heart pounding loudly in his chest and head. glancing down at his hands he saw them shaking visibly from feet away, his legs doing the same just past where his hands held themselves in the air. with no more strength in his being, he slid down the back side of his door, coming to sit in a heap at the bottom, his head thudding painfully against the wood behind him.

he had experienced anxiety attacks before, once in eighth grade the night before his science fair presentation and again in tenth grade before the school’s talent show he had signed up for. but he had never felt this much panic in his life. it was like every cell in his body was moving outwards, trying to escape.

his thoughts were moving a mile a minute in his head, going from one idea to the next, the back of his eyelids looking like there were fireworks exploding inside his brain. _calm down. calm down. calm down._ he thought to himself as he felt tears pour from his eyes uncontrollably, silent sobs wracking his body.

there was nothing he could do. he vaguely heard his mom tell him she was leaving for work but he couldn’t respond. _what time is it now? have i missed my first class? has  donghyuck noticed i’m gone?_

as if on command, he felt his phone vibrating deep within his pocket. _a text._ mark thought, recognizing the vibration pattern. but he couldn’t move. he was still frozen, shaking against his door. and it wouldn’t be another hour until he could move again.

of course, mark didn’t know how long he would be stuck in a pile on the floor, his brain running faster than he thought possible. he just sat. trying to keep his mind from wandering to the cause of this attack.

 _why does it bother you so much?_ he thought to himself as he took his bottom lip into his mouth and started chewing on it. _because…_ he stopped the thought before his mind could even finish thinking it but it persisted on, coming into his head over and over. he fought against the thought for minutes before he finally thought it, with underlying hatred, fully and unhindered for the first time in his life.

_BECAUSE YOU’RE BISEXUAL._

 

it was just two weeks after he came out to himself that he realized he was not just attracted to donghyuck, but he was most deeply and completely in love with him.

the thought came into his mind during lunch one day at school. donghyuck had just dyed his hair a beautiful light orange color, bringing out the honey tones in his skin and the flecks of gold in his eyes. he was laughing at something jeno had said about jisung’s bright blue hair being smurf-like and his eyes were squinting shut from the smile on his face.

 _he’s so beautiful._ mark thought to himself, feeling a light flush spread across his face. he had to stop himself from his usual form of punishment. he still couldn’t happily accept the fact that he had feelings for a boy, but he couldn’t deny it anymore. he was in love with his best friend, lee donghyuck, the loudest most obnoxious boy to walk the earth. but also the kindest, brightest, and most beautiful. _nice._

 

another week passed and mark felt that he needed to tell someone… anyone. and he decided the best person to tell was donghyuck. at the end of january on a saturday afternoon, mark found himself sending a text to his best friend.

**mark!**

hey come over i’m bored

n i wanna tell you somethin

**~ hyuckie ~**

best friend!! anything for you!

should i bring snacks

**mark!**

yeah man what kind of

question is that

**~ hyuckie ~**

mlep

that was me sticking my tongue

out at you :) see you in 20

 

mark let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and ran a nervous hand through his hair. _you can do this man. just… tell him who you are._ the thought itself scared the living daylights out of him.

and so he found himself lying facedown on his bed spread eagle, blankets pulled up past his shoulders, with tears in his eyes when he heard the sound of donghyuck’s voice ringing down the hallway outside his room.

strangely, (not really), he didn’t have the motivation to move from his pitiful position and let out a loud sigh into his pillow just as donghyuck loudly swung mark’s door open.

“your best friend is here!” he called out in a sing song voice, bringing a little smile to mark’s face in his pillow. “and i’ve brought snacks! your favorites!” at this, mark found the strength to turn over in his bed and lift his head up slightly to see donghyuck swinging a plastic bag over his head, stuffed to the brim with snacks. he had a big smile on his face. that is, until he saw the water in mark’s eyes.

immediately donghyuck’s countenance changed, his arm dropping the bag to the floor and shuffling through the mess on the floor to sit on mark’s bed. he reached out slightly, but pulled back remembering how mark doesn’t like his touch.

“are… are you okay?” he asked, his hands finding their way to his lap, playing with the end of his sweatshirt. mark opened his mouth for a moment, closing it immediately after. “hey,” donghyuck said, scooting closer to him. “you can tell me what’s wrong.”

at this, mark sat up and pulled donghyuck closer to him, crossing his legs in front of him. “you can’t- you can’t hate me, okay?” donghyuck furrowed his brows slightly but nodded his head to show that mark could tell him. before mark spoke again though, he pulled himself even closer to donghyuck shakily, one of his legs crossing over his best friend’s lap.

with a shaky breath, mark opened his mouth. “i’m… bi-” mark didn’t even finish the sentence before a soft sob escaped his lips, his hands coming up to cover his face. donghyuck’s arms quickly came up to wrap themselves around mark’s shaking shoulders, pulling the sobbing boy into his lap and resting his head on his chest. he didn’t say a thing, just ran his hands up and down mark’s back softly in a calming manner.

a few minutes passed before mark pulled his face back from donghyuck’s chest. his face was puffy, tears still ran down his cheeks, but he wasn’t sobbing anymore.

“you alright?” donghyuck asked quietly, bringing a hand up to brush a tear off his cheek. mark tilted his head a little and gave it a shake. “sorry, that was a stupid question.” mark smiled slightly at that before letting out a sigh.

“you don’t hate me?” he said softly, looking down at his hands in his lap. donghyuck’s hands reached down to mark’s, taking both of them between his.

“why would i hate you?” his fingers ran across the back of mark’s hands mindlessly as he waited for a minute to hear his answer.

“...because i hate me,” mark said matter of factly. donghyuck’s eyes filled with tears at the idea of mark doing anything but loving himself. wordlessly, he moved his hands from mark’s and brought them to his face, cupping his best friend’s teary face in between them. before he could even say a word, mark spoke again.

“i hate myself for even feeling the slightest attraction to boys. i hate that i can’t stop myself from feeling this way when i know it’s so wrong.” mark’s lips trembled as he spoke and donghyuck ran a thumb across his bottom lip to stop them.

“there is nothing wrong with liking boys, mark.” mark opened his mouth to respond but donghyuck shook his head softly and continued. “whoever is putting these ideas in your head isn’t thinking about what they could be doing to you. you are human and humans have feelings for other humans, to hell with gender.” mark’s eyes were wide open as he stared at donghyuck, blinking rapidly while trying to process the information.

“you don’t… care? it’s not weird for you?” mark asked quietly, leaning back so donghyuck’s hands slid off of his face and into his lap.

“i’m human. i  like other humans. i’m definitely not straight, but i don’t put a label on it,” donghyuck said with a shrug and a shy smile. without another word, mark threw his arms tightly around his best friend’s neck, pulling him against him.

“thank you,” he breathed out softly into donghyuck’s ear and buried his face deep into his neck and the soft folds of his sweatshirt. donghyuck couldn’t help but let a few tears fall down his cheeks at the sincerity in mark’s voice and the whole conversation that they had. plus it had been so long since he had held mark like this, years even.

donghyuck was happy.

and so was mark.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ok i hope this was entertaining in anyway for someone!!  
> also this was way too hard for me to write oooof ;( i based mark's coming out scene on when i actually came out to my sister which was the scariest moment of my life so yeeeep  
> ALSO in no way is any of this meant to offend any lgbtq+ person/s, for the most part what i've written is similar to things my family has actually said to me!! lol thats depressing ok  
> ANYWAY i might write another about how mark finally tells hyuck he loves him n stuff if yall want idk thought hELP SHOULD I DO IT pls comment i need support  
> also i need fluffy markhyuck so someone tell me to write it :)  
> although itd be a lil angst because mark is still uncomfortable w his sexuality tHIS IS HARDOK 
> 
> thank you for reading!!


End file.
